the sentimental value of stuff.
noodlings of the week, sebastopol daytrip
before we jump into this week’s newsletter, i wanted to share that i’ll be donating 100% of all earnings from my substack to the TNBC foundation to help fund research and support for triple-negative breast cancer. there’s a lot of different types of breast cancers, amongst them triple-negative is the rarest (accounting for just 10-15% of all breast cancer cases), is the hardest to target, has the fewest treatments available, often has the worst prognosis in metastatic/stage IV settings, and the cherry on top — it receives the least funding. by luck of the shittiest draw, it’s also the subtype my mom has. it’s likely the same one that took my grandma’s life at 42.
your support of this newsletter has always meant the world to me, and now it means that and then some ♡
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i’ve always been a person who’s found a lot of sentimental value in things. tchotchkis, pans, and i find that it particularly applies to clothing
as kids, my mom would enforce routine closet cleaning on us, asking us to sift through our closets to find things to donate. my sister would easily fill up bags of clothing without a care. meanwhile, i’d turn and toss over every piece of item, wondering ‘what if’ i needed it again, remembering the places i went and the memories associated with a pair of blue sandals, the motorcycle boots.
this week, i finally unpacked the remainder of my closet items. the ones that live in a tucked away closet dresser reserved for lesser-worn items. many of these things are vacation-wear, meant for a muggy summer in new york or paris, but definitely not suitable for the foggy days of san francisco. some of these items are no longer my style but still i can’t bring myself to part with them.
there’s a pair of striped pants that my mom and i bought together on a trip to barcelona, that i wore while we strolled around basque country. a polka-dotted blue skirt we got together in italy. holding these items brings up feelings of nostalgia and joy. i worry that if the items leave my closet, that i’ll no longer have a physical reminder of these memories. i’m sure one day it’ll be time to let them go. but for now, they stay.
this week, the waves of anticipatory grief hit harder than usual — maybe it’s the rain, maybe it’s the hormones (ty period!). through it all, I’m incredibly grateful for my support circle and my therapist.
noodlings of the week
ooooo is she back with noodlings of the week?! idk!! no promises.
watching: i totally binged s2 of the night agent. i love crime/secret agent/fbi/csi-type shows and s2 was v intense, lots of anxiety. the boy and i have also been watching singles inferno, idk i feel like sian and jun-seo’s love languages are just different and i really don’t love him for her!! is anyone else watching this?
cooking: made polenta + duck for my parents using frozen duck breasts i got from costco, 10/10 would buy again. i always forget how much i enjoy polenta - i think next time i’ll try mixing polenta + quinoa together to get some more whole grains in there.
eating: took mom to state bird provisions on a whim. it’s a 1 michelin star restaurant that she’s asked me about a few times over the year and i was never enthused about taking her bc i thought it was just ok the time i went. anyways, we went, and she’s spent the several days after ragging on it 😭 what we did love though, was khom loi up in sebastopol, some of the best thai food we’ve had in the bay! lots of plant-based options and cute heated patio seating.
wearing: my mom exclusively wears cashmere sweaters (she runs very cold and you’ll usually find her layering 2 of them) and she’s also gotten me back into wearing them as well! we love the classic crewnecks from quince because they’re not scratchy, come in a variety of colors, and are also a great price (although as i’m writing this i’m learning they increased prices in the last week, still a good price tho!)
shopping: we did a day trip up to sebastopol to look at some vintage furniture. given how many stores there are up there, we definitely should have left earlier in the day 🥲 i loved retrospect (lots of good teak pieces, and well-priced) and antique society (big marketplace with multiple sellers, similar to narrative oakland and stuff sf rip).
mom updates
this week has been emotionally and physically hard as the radiation side effects have kicked in — pain, hair loss, fatigue. but i find that getting her out of the house helps with the physical and emotional battles (and if we’re being real, it helps me too). the rainy days have been the harder ones — like me, we’re both highly sensitive to weather and to vitamin d. on the good weather days we did a daytrip to sf and another one to sebastopol (random, i know, but yagirl needs some furniture)!
the drive to sf was filled with yawns (mom like never yawns so this was particularly strange?!), but the yawns seemingly disappeared once we started eating shengjianbaos and while we waddled through hayes street. i know she’s fighting to push through the bad days, to keep her spirit bright. sigh, she’s such a fighter and i wish so badly she didn’t have to fight.
she’s meant to start on an oral chemotherapy next week but i’m worried about her starting it while she’s still overcoming these challenges. plus the flu/cold/RSV/pneumonia stuff going around is no joke. i’ve also become a reddit fiend and have read about all of the bad side effects associated with the drug which helps me feel more prepared but also scares the sht out of me. i really really hope this drug is tolerable for her. i hate the idea of her being in more pain.
also dear paid subscribers — i’ll have a recipe for a century egg and eggplant salad going out later this week (it’s been so long, sorry!!). i think i’m going to separate out the ~recipe~ substacks since the settings get kinda weird when i have a paywall in the middle of a post.
as always, thanks for noodling around with me!
x christy