my complicated relationship with shanghai

idk if this is common knowledge but china has what is called “the great firewall” where they restrict the usage of certain apps and platforms. things like google, facebook, instagram are inaccessible without a VPN. no google also means no gmail! no google drive! many people, especially foreigners, use a VPN whenever they’re traveling.

knowing this, i installed a VPN on my phone so that i’d have some access to email and social media while in shanghai but what i didn’t realize was that substack was also blocked! substack has yet to come up with a usable mobile publishing tool and i couldn’t figure out how to get a VPN on my computer so the tl;dr is hello, i spent a week in shanghai, and now i’m writing about it a week later

this was my first trip to shanghai in over a decade. the last time i visited was in 2013 where i lived there for a summer after my freshman year of college. trips to china weren’t frequent for me growing up — prior to that, i’d only been once when i was 6 years old, so i didn’t have a strong tie to the motherland. during my freshman year of college, i thought i’d find ‘my people’, build a strong community of friends, the things they tell you about in the movies. my experience was quite the opposite. i didn’t feel like i fit in with any of the groups, i was confused about my own identity, and i booked a ticket to shanghai hoping that i’d find a sense of belonging.

yea… that didn’t happen. everywhere i went the summer, people would tell me that i looked dark, almost south american! maybe mixed part mexican, or european? relatives who were basically strangers, were totally comfortable commenting on my body type, on my weight, the clothes i wore. i felt 10 weeks feeling self-conscious about the way that i looked, the way i dressed, and my identity. at the end of the summer, i went back to the states feeling even more confused and lost — this wasn’t what i expected.

a couple of years later, i planned a trip back to shanghai for march of 2020. by then, i had a much stronger sense of my identity, i had a built a community in new york, i knew who i was, i didn’t need anything from city i was excited to experience it again without expectations of what it would serve me. would i have more appreciation it more? could i understand the ties that my parents have to it without expecting that i have the same ones? what would it be like to just to feel like any other tourist. obviously that trip was cancelled and that reunion with shanghai was put on a hold until now.

so, how was shanghai? it was humid, full of mosquitos, has too many squat toilets but it’s also gorgeous. shanghai is infinitely better when you’re not expecting the city to answer all of your big life questions. i fell in love with new neighborhoods, had so much amazing food, access to public transportation is amazing, it’s insanely clean, the people are kind and helpful. it feels nostalgic and comforting to hear shanghainese spoken in the streets. though going to dinner with relatives still gave me mild anxiety over the potential comments on my weight and appearance. i was right, they did. though this time they were.. compliments? even so, i’d rather it just not be a topic of conversation.

my trip overlapped with my parents’ trip for a week and it was beautiful to see my them in their element. my mom ofc befriended neighbors, the community workers, she became a regular at the community dining hall. they walked everywhere. they felt safe. they saw friends and family for the first time in over a decade. both of them just felt more alive. there were moments of.. melancholy? where i wondered if this is what their lives could have looked like if they had stayed in shanghai. a place where they can communicate in their mother tongue, feel safe, have a stronger community. idk what their future plans look like but i hope for more of this for them.

the boy also joined for the last few days of my time there (our first international trip together, and his first time in china :3) and it was extra special experiencing the city with him.

more on my asia trip soon. in the meantime, new york guide is finally done and coming your way!

thanks for noodling around with me.

xo christy